Feburary 1.0

Summer is almost over. And that makes me sad. And scared. But mostly sad. I feel like I've wasted the weather. I haven't been to be beach enough. I haven't basked in the sun enough. I haven't, I don't even know, appreciated it enough. I'm just sad that soon the sun will dissapear and the horrible cold winds will come to whip hair around our faces and chill us to the bone. And the gray. It makes me depressed. I'd much rather summer when the sky sparkles and the sun is so cheerful. Where the grass looks especially green and lush and the sky has a million shades of blue.

The end of summer also means the back to school. Back to listening and learning and being quiet. Back to deadlines and blue pens and missing important points. Back to sitting through an hour or so of the drone of imaginary bees and the whispers and the glow of under desk texting. Unfortunately I am exaggerating. It's not that bad. It's just different from the carefree, unstructed, free flowing days of holidays. And I'm not liking it one bit... and I haven't even started yet.

Summer is however not over yet. There is still time. And things have been achieved. Recently I ventured to the Island of Phillip. Some of my awesome uni peoples and I nipped down for four days of not a-hell-of-a-lot. We sat enthralled through episodes of skins, we discussed the important matters of desalination plants, we discussed the unimportant matters of the correct use of eyeliner, we sat around the fire and discussed sex and sexually related topics, we attempted to find a song to mix with wonderwall, we walked to the fish and chip shop, twice...and it was closed, twice, and we read multiple copies of zoo magazine whilst commenting on how (un)attractive many of the girls featured actually were.

January 1.0

"Go right at the first stoplight, I'll be outside waiting for you"

But how long can you wait? When does it stretch from possibility to impossibility? I love the saying "I'll wait for you forever if I have to". It's so romantic, but in truth would anyone really wait forever? And once 'forever' had passed would it really live up to the expectations that had been set? Things work in mysterious ways. I don't know if I believe that God created the universe, or even if that a bunch of stuff colliding somehow miraculously created living beings. Existence seems a little... too difficult and intricate to be happening sometimes. And it's scary. It's all scary. Life. Being. The whole lot of it. You're supposed to act in a certain way but who says that's the right way? Is it merely ideological hegemony (a term we learnt about in media) where a ruling class in society creates 'rules' which are followed by the rest of us mere mortals. We all call green 'green' for example, but is it really? And who says that what we see as green, isn't seen as our purple by someone else? We're all individuals, or so we're told. But really aren't we all humans? All created from the same "mould"?

But back to waiting and the such. I have a wonderful thing, but sometimes I see and hear things that make me believe that it is really such a rare thing that I have to constantly check that it hasn't disappeared on me. Slipped out of my grip while my back was turned and I was distracted. But then I realise it's safe and I'm pretty sure it will always be safe. But I still like to check. It's still nice to know sometimes. Just so you appreciate it that little bit more.

December 1.1

Queensland.
From excessive amounts of consumed Belgian beer to nudie playing cards (both male and female) to frolicking in the waves and extreme theme park action, this trip had it all. The most common answer to a missing individual was "having a bat" or the alternative of "taking a shit". Tonnes of food was consumed and grocery shopping was an activity a grand total of 4 times, which also included wheeling the shopping back to our apartment in a trolley (a 15-20 minute trip) and then a subsequent trip to return the trolley, lest we be arrested for stealing private property. Fears were conquered on rides such as the giant drop, superman, lethal weapon, and tower of terror. Fears were also brought to the surface at wet and wild as we had to climb numerous flights of stairs just to slide straight back down to the bottom. I celebrated my 20th birthday with the boys and in return we had Woolworth's chocolate mud cake and I received the very thoughtful gift of oral sex coupons. Every theme park was complete with signs stating 'please do not feed the ibis', quite ironic when the ibis managed to feed themselves by flying up onto and walking over the tables provided. As a group we used 2+ bottles of sunscreen and still managed to burn our shoulders and backs despite reapplications (mainly rubbed in by me). Many songs were sung and many guitar notes strummed, much sand was brought onto the premises, leading to much shaking and brushing of the beds to remove said sand. A tacky novel found in a draw was read and hilarious lines such as "he plunged into her" was read out for the group to enjoy, also a cleo magazine was thoroughly interesting to a couple of the boys. A fire was witnessed and drunken passer by's dealt with, drinks were consumed at a bar called 'shooters' and many a dance move was witnessed on the dance floor. The sun was hot, the water salty and the company good. A holiday to remember.

December 1.0

Going to Queensland tomorrow with 7 boys.
Wish me luck!

November 1.3

Have you ever had a feeling where you know your feeling it, but it's more like watching yourself feel it? You're detached but its still there. You know it's an utterly ridiculous feeling but you can't stop it. Everything that happens and everything that's said makes it snowball bigger and bigger. It's still a stupid, unreasonable feeling, but you still can't help feeling it. And because of this feeling you shut out the people around you. The people who care and are concerned. You shut them out and they begin to think they did something wrong when it's not their fault at all. And you can see yourself doing this, and you know it's wrong but you still can't turn it off. It's like your looking at yourself from afar and telling yourself to stop being so stupid. But your not listening. You've got your fingers in your ears and you can't hear a thing. The feeling remains. Every touch feels cold and empty. It's warmth is sucked out and all that's left is annoyance. And you know it's killing them that you're not responding, but you can't. It's still like the real you is looking on to the angry you sitting there. You want to run but you can't move. It's like gravity is pulling your mouth into a frown and you're helpless to stop it. Helpless to get out of the hole. The walls keep sliding in every time you attempt to get out.

I hate that feeling. I hate that I felt it. I hate that I made other people feel it with me. I hate that I couldn't reach out. But most of all I hate that I made you scared. I hate that I couldn't feel you. It killed me a little bit inside that I was doing that to you, when I care so much. I'm so sorry.

November 1.2

Maybe it's something about the summer. About the warm weather. But my creativity seems to be flowing. So far in my mind only. But hopefully it will spread through my fingers and into something a little more tangible. This time around it seems to be about the textiles. I'm making an attempt at making myself some clothes. And perhaps making some adjustments to ones i already own. I'm really praying I don't end up making a mess of things...


Changing the subject entirely, I had dinner with two of my best friends tonight. Sometimes when we haven't seen each other in awhile I wonder if we're drifting apart. But our posse dinners always bring those thoughts back from the brink. Those two friends can always have me in stiches. I don't even remember what was said tonight, but I distinctly remember killing myself laughing over my icecream. They always come out with the weirdest things. But also the funniest. Truth be told, all my friends are pretty funny. I'm not really a fan of the boring. Matty and I had dinner last night and he was making me giggle the whole way through. I told him that's why I loved him. Because someone who can make me laugh is an important part of my life. And a part that I don't want to loose. Because a life without laughter is a life unlived.


"Move outta the way, Jono's shopping!"

November 1.1

I'm not in a good mood. It's not sad or angry. It just sucks. It could have been because my routine was thrown. It could have been because I have assignments due. It could have even been because I wanted to do something today but ended up doing not much. And silly things pushed me further into this rut. I tried to help but got told no. The dog barked non-stop for about 10 mintues at absolutely nothing. I ate too many peach hearts. My heart was beating too fast. I was angry at people I had no reason to be angry at. The subject I was writing on was boring as bat shit...

I was just generally pissed off at nothing in particular.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it will. I'll see friends and laugh and have cuddles. Cuddles. Oh god I want cuddles. I want to be wrapped up and kept safe from the nasties of the world. I want to be hidden under a giant mosqito net where nothing can get me. Where the horrible feelings will be kept away. Where I can live in my happy little bubble world for ever and ever.

I'll just class today as a write-off and get on with it. No crappy feeling is worth moping over.

"...play my little part in something big" 'Big casino' - Jimmy Eat World.