November 1.3

Have you ever had a feeling where you know your feeling it, but it's more like watching yourself feel it? You're detached but its still there. You know it's an utterly ridiculous feeling but you can't stop it. Everything that happens and everything that's said makes it snowball bigger and bigger. It's still a stupid, unreasonable feeling, but you still can't help feeling it. And because of this feeling you shut out the people around you. The people who care and are concerned. You shut them out and they begin to think they did something wrong when it's not their fault at all. And you can see yourself doing this, and you know it's wrong but you still can't turn it off. It's like your looking at yourself from afar and telling yourself to stop being so stupid. But your not listening. You've got your fingers in your ears and you can't hear a thing. The feeling remains. Every touch feels cold and empty. It's warmth is sucked out and all that's left is annoyance. And you know it's killing them that you're not responding, but you can't. It's still like the real you is looking on to the angry you sitting there. You want to run but you can't move. It's like gravity is pulling your mouth into a frown and you're helpless to stop it. Helpless to get out of the hole. The walls keep sliding in every time you attempt to get out.

I hate that feeling. I hate that I felt it. I hate that I made other people feel it with me. I hate that I couldn't reach out. But most of all I hate that I made you scared. I hate that I couldn't feel you. It killed me a little bit inside that I was doing that to you, when I care so much. I'm so sorry.

November 1.2

Maybe it's something about the summer. About the warm weather. But my creativity seems to be flowing. So far in my mind only. But hopefully it will spread through my fingers and into something a little more tangible. This time around it seems to be about the textiles. I'm making an attempt at making myself some clothes. And perhaps making some adjustments to ones i already own. I'm really praying I don't end up making a mess of things...


Changing the subject entirely, I had dinner with two of my best friends tonight. Sometimes when we haven't seen each other in awhile I wonder if we're drifting apart. But our posse dinners always bring those thoughts back from the brink. Those two friends can always have me in stiches. I don't even remember what was said tonight, but I distinctly remember killing myself laughing over my icecream. They always come out with the weirdest things. But also the funniest. Truth be told, all my friends are pretty funny. I'm not really a fan of the boring. Matty and I had dinner last night and he was making me giggle the whole way through. I told him that's why I loved him. Because someone who can make me laugh is an important part of my life. And a part that I don't want to loose. Because a life without laughter is a life unlived.


"Move outta the way, Jono's shopping!"

November 1.1

I'm not in a good mood. It's not sad or angry. It just sucks. It could have been because my routine was thrown. It could have been because I have assignments due. It could have even been because I wanted to do something today but ended up doing not much. And silly things pushed me further into this rut. I tried to help but got told no. The dog barked non-stop for about 10 mintues at absolutely nothing. I ate too many peach hearts. My heart was beating too fast. I was angry at people I had no reason to be angry at. The subject I was writing on was boring as bat shit...

I was just generally pissed off at nothing in particular.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it will. I'll see friends and laugh and have cuddles. Cuddles. Oh god I want cuddles. I want to be wrapped up and kept safe from the nasties of the world. I want to be hidden under a giant mosqito net where nothing can get me. Where the horrible feelings will be kept away. Where I can live in my happy little bubble world for ever and ever.

I'll just class today as a write-off and get on with it. No crappy feeling is worth moping over.

"...play my little part in something big" 'Big casino' - Jimmy Eat World.

November 1.0

I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Nicole. Almost 20. First year uni student. Still currently living at home (though hopefully changing next year some time). I work teaching the littlies to swim. I have a loving boy (pictured) and we're going 6 months strong. I'm a pretty life-loving kind of person, and thats about it really.

I've learned a lot of things this year. Not always to trust those around you for one thing. Putting complete trust in someone who isn't on the same wavelength only ends up backfiring and harming you. This goes for both guys and girls. Girls may act your best friend but they can just as easily turn on you behind your back and hurt you.

Something else i've learnt is about friends. Your close friends are always there for you. They are the ones that make you laugh and brighten up your day. Although they're not always the ones you see each and everyday. You can see your close friends every hour, ever day, every week, every month or every year. That doesn't make them any less special. A close friend is someone you treasure. I have close friends from uni who make classes fun. Who make going to uni enjoyable to get up and go to. I have friends who I've been friends with forever. Anywhere from 6 to 19 years. We can see each other once a month and still be as close as ever. Still have things to talk about. Still give each other advice and gossip.

I've also learnt that love isn't always out to get you. It is not always doomed for disaster. Not all members of the male species keep their brain in their pants. Matty is the boy who puts sunshine into my heart. He's the boy I fall in love with a little more everyday. He's one of my best friends. I can talk to him about everything, tell him anything under the sun. I can act like a dickhead. I can bombard him with 20 messages a day. I can hold his hand when we're in public. and I want to be with this boy for a very, very long time. Not because the sex is great, not because he buys me things, but because he is the one for me.

Life this year has turned out one of the best ever and I wouldn't change it for a thing.

"I don't mind, I don't care, just as long as you're here"- 'All the same', Sick Puppies.