November 1.3

Have you ever had a feeling where you know your feeling it, but it's more like watching yourself feel it? You're detached but its still there. You know it's an utterly ridiculous feeling but you can't stop it. Everything that happens and everything that's said makes it snowball bigger and bigger. It's still a stupid, unreasonable feeling, but you still can't help feeling it. And because of this feeling you shut out the people around you. The people who care and are concerned. You shut them out and they begin to think they did something wrong when it's not their fault at all. And you can see yourself doing this, and you know it's wrong but you still can't turn it off. It's like your looking at yourself from afar and telling yourself to stop being so stupid. But your not listening. You've got your fingers in your ears and you can't hear a thing. The feeling remains. Every touch feels cold and empty. It's warmth is sucked out and all that's left is annoyance. And you know it's killing them that you're not responding, but you can't. It's still like the real you is looking on to the angry you sitting there. You want to run but you can't move. It's like gravity is pulling your mouth into a frown and you're helpless to stop it. Helpless to get out of the hole. The walls keep sliding in every time you attempt to get out.

I hate that feeling. I hate that I felt it. I hate that I made other people feel it with me. I hate that I couldn't reach out. But most of all I hate that I made you scared. I hate that I couldn't feel you. It killed me a little bit inside that I was doing that to you, when I care so much. I'm so sorry.